Parenting; the Tiger Mom vs. "Soft" American Parents

I'll have to say I'm glad about all of the discussion going on about the success rate of Asian (is Occidental still the preferred moniker) students vs. the success of white (caucasian) and (other) minority students. The comment about soft parenting being used to describe most other parents gets to me. What I would consider "soft" parents are those who have little to no influence over their children. Parents who say they can't get their children to bed, or can't get their children to do other basic things around the house. I personally know households where at least one child runs herd on one, or both, parents; tantrums earn the child whatever they want to be quieted. Yet with other adults, they do not exhibit this behavior because it is not tolerated. However, parents who give their children choices, allow their children to ask questions, or teach their children to hold their own in debates are hardly push-overs.

I would posit those parents who (intentionally) raise independent children are hardly taking the easy path. I'll have to admit, there are times I wish I had raised my own children to follow instructions/commands without question, to jump when called, and to never–ever–roll their eyes at me; my life would be so me more serene. I remember my own childhood; I was never allowed to question a decision (I still reserve the right to say, "because I said so!"), or to negotiate for something other than what my parents had decided. Through that, I never learned to read when people were open to negotiation, when they were serious about their answer; all I learned was shut-up and do what I was told, like it or not (though it was never stated in those terms.) I had to learn those skills later in adult life, where the lessons were much more painful.

Hopefully, my children will have more self-confidence, a greater ability to read people, and be more willing to take risks than I was (and still am.) I teach my children about the natural consequences of their decisions, or at least let them learn the hard lessons. I may soften the lessons somewhat if the lesson if it beyond their capacity to handle the full brunt, but I always leave enough of the lesson (discomfort) there to sting. I do not want my children growing up with a sense of entitlement, or the idea that is acceptable to make a stupid decision and let others pay the price. None of this is easy. A lot of times it's extremely frustrating and stressful. Then I see my children in a situation where they make good choices, or hear directly, or indirectly, about some insightful conversation or well presented argument in a debate over something, and all that grief is worth it.