Parenting; the Tiger Mom vs. "Soft" American Parents

I'll have to say I'm glad about all of the discussion going on about the success rate of Asian (is Occidental still the preferred moniker) students vs. the success of white (caucasian) and (other) minority students. The comment about soft parenting being used to describe most other parents gets to me. What I would consider "soft" parents are those who have little to no influence over their children. Parents who say they can't get their children to bed, or can't get their children to do other basic things around the house. I personally know households where at least one child runs herd on one, or both, parents; tantrums earn the child whatever they want to be quieted. Yet with other adults, they do not exhibit this behavior because it is not tolerated. However, parents who give their children choices, allow their children to ask questions, or teach their children to hold their own in debates are hardly push-overs.

I would posit those parents who (intentionally) raise independent children are hardly taking the easy path. I'll have to admit, there are times I wish I had raised my own children to follow instructions/commands without question, to jump when called, and to never–ever–roll their eyes at me; my life would be so me more serene. I remember my own childhood; I was never allowed to question a decision (I still reserve the right to say, "because I said so!"), or to negotiate for something other than what my parents had decided. Through that, I never learned to read when people were open to negotiation, when they were serious about their answer; all I learned was shut-up and do what I was told, like it or not (though it was never stated in those terms.) I had to learn those skills later in adult life, where the lessons were much more painful.

Hopefully, my children will have more self-confidence, a greater ability to read people, and be more willing to take risks than I was (and still am.) I teach my children about the natural consequences of their decisions, or at least let them learn the hard lessons. I may soften the lessons somewhat if the lesson if it beyond their capacity to handle the full brunt, but I always leave enough of the lesson (discomfort) there to sting. I do not want my children growing up with a sense of entitlement, or the idea that is acceptable to make a stupid decision and let others pay the price. None of this is easy. A lot of times it's extremely frustrating and stressful. Then I see my children in a situation where they make good choices, or hear directly, or indirectly, about some insightful conversation or well presented argument in a debate over something, and all that grief is worth it.

Lawers... and Money

2011

Friday, January 7

11:42:40 PM

Lawyers... and Money

Quite often, when I think of lawyers, I recall the Warren Zevon song - Lawyers, Guns, and Money.  I don't know about guns, so much, but lawyers and money certainly go together.  So much of our society revolves around contracts and litigation, little business goes on without them being involved at some level.  It's easy to hate on lawyers.  Law has always been a very exacting practice, and their skills are necessary, though I would argue over the last several generations the practice of law has been rather self-perpetuating; the practice of law, begets more law, requiring yet more lawyers, which begets more law, ad nauseum.

I wonder what percentage of our economy is consumed by the practice of law, retainers for law services, overly complex contracts, redundant laws, frivolous law suits, etc.  I often hear people talk about lawyers as a necessary evil (I know a couple of lawyers, they're definitely not evil).  While lawyers' services can be quite useful in estate planning, defending those wrongly accused, and protecting individuals against large corporations, how much beyond those few services is really required?  When corporations retain team of expensive lawyers, how much cost is added to products?  When individuals decide to sue companies because they got themselves into trouble and wanted someone else to blame, why must the corporation and their other customers be expected to pay for their stupidity?  Too many people don't take their lumps when they do something stupid; if you hit yourself with a hammer, it's going to hurt! Don't blame the hammer(or the company that made it), learn to wield it properly.

Law is not blind in our society, it is too often apathetic towards those without the means to retain services of the savvy and cunning.  This is all wrong.  Sadly, as long as money is involved, disproportionately, things won't improve.  Law needs to be simplified.  A sense of honesty and responsibility needs to be rekindled in our society - to reduce our reliance on lawyers.  

On the other hand, maybe there's nothing more productive for them to be doing...

Fairness

2011

Thursday, January 6

1:40:06 PM

Fairness

If I had a dollar for every time I heard my son say "That's not fair!", I'd be a rich man.  Usually when I hear a child, most any child, talk about how unfair something is, they are usually talking from a very self-centered position.  Usually, they aren't getting what they want; that's what isn't fair.  Trying to instill a sense of fairness is a long, and often exhasperating, process.  

On the way to a full concept of fairness, almost every child stops off at the place where fairness means everything is equal; if Johnny has x, then I have to have x too for things to be fair - there are many other examples, but you get the idea, fairness is a mathematical equation and equality reigns supreme!  Fortunate many children learn that fairness is based on need, ability, capability, age, and any other set of conditions which can affect fairness.  I believe one reason have trouble moving to this level of fairness is they have to think about it.  It's not easy to have to stop and think about whether something's fair or not based on variables.  Life's too short to not have hard and fast rules...  And I beleive that's a large part of how our nation has ended up in the quagmire we find ourselves in today.

Our legal system seems to have picked up on this, so there are laws for everything under the sun, and it seems that for lawyers to feel useful (especially those in public office) they have to write new laws; not clarify old laws, not replace laws, or update laws, but add laws.  

Back to fairness though.  Many adults have not moved on from the simplest understanding of fairness, they have to make sure that if the 'Joneses' son or daughter is getting special attention in school, by gum, their child is going to get it too!  And since there's no law against wasteful or selfish lawsuits, schools end up spending way too much money on lawyers, the children whose parents demanded their 'fair share' or, other self centered "grab what we can" parents.  Schools have enough trouble without parents making life unneccessarily difficult.

Fairness then will always be at least somewhat subjective.  There is no reason though to dumb-down fairness to the point where the concept loses its value.

Responsibility

2011

Wednesday, January 5

12:34:24 AM

Responsibility

You know, I often wonder how we (as a country) got where we are today.  Such a litigious society!  Sure, there's the ambulance chasing lawyers - they're easy to hate.  But what about the well meaning lawyers who are out to help people get what they deserve?  What do people really deserve?

Do people deserve millions of dollars in a settlement against ladder manufacturers because they were too stupid to consider what would happen if they fell off the top of a ladder?  Were they too lazy, or cheap, to buy a taller (more appropriate) ladder?  I admit I've stood on the tops of ladders to reach things, or to get on the roof, but I know if I fall off it's my fault.  I wouldn't go looking for some easy money.  Some might say that makes me stupid.  I most heartily disagree.  

People should just own their stupidity, admit they are responsible for their own choices.  If a company has been negligent in the design or manufacture of their product, then take them to court.  Somewhere in the law books, there's a standard - and it boils down to common sense.  If you stand on a chair with wheels wouldn't you expect it to roll?  If you jump on a skateboard on a hill wouldn't you expect it to roll down a hill?  If you stand on the top of a ladder with nothing to hold on to, wouldn't you expect your balance to be more precarious?  

Growing up, I learned all about cause and effect; some the easy way, some the hard way.  It seems like common sense should be added to the endangered species list.  People don't seem to understand that if you buy a hot cup of coffee you could burn yourself!  (Would that women who sued McDonald's have been really ticked off if her coffee had only been luke-warm?!)  I talk to all kinds of people who agree with me on this.  Are they just blowing hot air my way?  Am I so fortunate as to have only highly intelligent friends and acquaintances?

I fear the average intelligence of these United States is falling precipitously!  Fear and selfishness seems to have this nation firmly in its grip.  What other explanation can there be for leaving "the greater good" in the ditch and pandering to minorities wants or needs at the expense of the majority?  

People need to stop being so lazy and opportunistic.  If you do something stupid, own up to it.  Go to emergency, pay the bill, take your lumps, and don't make the same mistake again!  Later, laugh about it with your friends so they know to avoid doing the same thing.  Some lessons are really hard to learn.  I know, I've made some of my own stupid mistakes.  I also knew when I made them, I'd have to live with the consequences.  Why should someone else pay for my mistakes?